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Finding Motherhood Without Losing Yourself

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Recently I’ve had to ask myself some difficult questions. I love my son with my entire being, but “Do I love the lifestyle of motherhood?” I always assumed these two concepts were connected. If you loved your child than you had to love being a parent. But assuming you love parenthood just because you love your child is about as relative as assuming you love scrubbing toilets because you love a clean house. I love being a mom, yet there are so many days where I mentally indulge in the fantasy of a child free past. A week spent entirely by myself making decisions selfishly for my own satisfaction. I want to wake up when my eyes leisurely open in a quiet house, not when my retina is being threatened by tiny fingers. I want to make breakfast for myself without meticulously cutting 8 different food groups into 1/4 inch pieces to avoid doing the Heimlich before 9 am. I want to plan my day around lattes with girlfriends and serene hiking trails, not sippy cup malfunctions and parks filled with screaming toddlers. I want my evening to be filled with quiet walks and random pub nights with friends, not highchair cleanups and perfectly scheduled bedtimes. I want to layout a future of possible travelling adventures, not calculated future pregnancies and breastfeeding timelines. Is it so bad to still desire parts of my old lifestyle? But how does a mom navigate between longing for something without feeling guilty for wanting more than the gift of motherhood? And yes…..I know that I can still do all of these things as a parent, just not as often and it requires more planning. A very easy solution. However I thrive in spontaneity and whimsical plans, and sometimes feel as though my soul shrivels in a lifestyle of predictability and routine. The very same attributes that are so beneficial to raising children… how ironic.

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