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10 Things I Never Thought I'd Say Before Becoming a Parent

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Before becoming a parent I thought I was prepared for all the surprises and challenges of raising a baby or toddler. I knew boys were busy and seemed to get into everything, but never would I have anticipated so many odd things coming out of my mouth without even batting an eyelash. Some of these statements were said through tears of happiness, some were said through tears of frustration and some were said through tears of laughter, but none the less, they were said and sometimes are still a part of my everyday language.

1. “Poop is not for playing with!”  I assumed this concept was fairly self explanatory. However only after many tears and a monumental tantrum ensued was my little man finally able to deal with the disappointment he faced when realizing that what he discovered in his diaper was and would never be approved by either Waldorf or his mom as a proper sensory toy.

2. ” Why is there a collection of rocks in the bottom of my purse?” As a mom, I have already sacrificed my favorite hand held clutch for larger and more practical handbag choices. My lip gloss and hairspray have long been replaced by diaper ointment and baby wipes. Is it so selfish that I’d still prefer my purse to resemble that of a women and not of a geologist? No you cannot put foliage from the park in my wallet either.

3. “The toilet is not for washing your hands.” Learning is very situational at this age. Just because you have washed your hands in water before, does not make any and all forms of liquid an appropriate or hygienic alternative. This includes and is not limited to: dog bowls, puddles, public fountains, and fish bowls.

4. “Please don’t stick the kidney bean up your nose.” Just because it fits, does not mean it belongs there. This shape and size awareness also pertains to snacks or toys being pushed  forced into air vents, sofa cushions, computer keyboards and/or the patio screen door.

5. “Mommy will stop playing with you if you keep poking her eyeballs.” I am forever proud that at such a young age my son was able to identify and verbalize body parts. That being said, it has yet to become a pleasant experience to continually have miniature fingers jabbing at rapid speed into my eye sockets.

6. “We don’t lick people we don’t know.” Oh the concept of personal space and spacial awareness. Yes it is exciting that you have learned to lick ice cream and occasionally mommy’s face during afternoon tickle fights. As humorous as it may be though, not all strangers are comfortable with tiny children giving salivary offerings in lineup when they are just trying to correctly enter their transaction information.

7. “The panic button on mommy’s car keys is not okay to press” Clearly the large, colorful, plastic Fisher Price keys are not a suitable replacement for a bored toddler in a grocery store line up. On the other hand mommy’s small, metal and noisy car keys do have one fabulous red button that has become a personal favorite. Am I the only one who sees a horrible coincidence that the parking spots for ‘Parents with small children’ is perfectly within range from the checkout line for a key fob to still work?!

8. “No thanks. Mommy doesn’t want your wet toast back after you’ve licked all the peanut butter off” Sharing is caring, however there are enough mysterious objects being passed to me on a regular basis that pre-loved food is not always desired. I could probably start a career as a walking petri dish with the amount of unmentionable substance my toddler wipes on me in a day. A speck of dirt used to be a sensible reason to wash my clothes, but after becoming a mom my clothes are practically walking themselves into the laundry room after 24 hours of wear.

9.”Just because it smells yummy doesn’t mean you can eat it” It can be very confusing as an intellectually growing toddler. This is another perfect example of situational learning. Yes your dinner smells yummy and you should eat it, but please refrain from eating the flowers at the super market,do not lick the spray nozzle of mommy’s perfume and please do not ingest mommy’s hand lotion. Oh yeah…. my freshly laundered underwear is also off limits.

10. “Mommy loves you more than anything in this world” I thought I loved my friends, loved my family, loved my husband, loved vacations and loved an assortment of life’s blessings. Although nowhere in prenatal reading was I prepared for the unconditional love I was about to develop for an 8 lb bundle of joy when my son was born. It was the best decision I have ever made to become a mom and nothing would change that…. even a sleeve full of boogers, a high heel full of applesauce or a face full of slobber after a bedtime kiss.

Boy, (noun): 1. Noise with dirt on it.

 

 

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